It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I last wrote.

Let's see, nothing has so much changed as it has just felt different.
The High Holy Days are coming up and I am very nervous about it all.  A coworker is taking me with her for Wednesday night services, but that doesn't alleviate the nervousness I have.  I feel out-of-sort.  Reconciling oneself with all of their misgivings and achievements, merits and sins, for the last year is rough.  Realizing you've been a dick to someone and you really need to apologize, because God will not forgive for wrongs against another unless they are made right with that person first, and trying to remind yourself of things you have done right is not an easy task.  I am not a particularly confident person, so saying I did something good or right or graciously is not my strong suit.  Not to mention, I have a plethora of tattoos and traditional Jews just don't really appreciate that.  There's no covering the one on my wrist completely (the silhouette of a feather), so I have to resolve to myself that these are part of who I am and if others do not like them that is their right and prerogative and it is not a reflection of me.  Crystal, pay attention (yes, I am lecturing myself), their disapproval of your personal expressions ARE NOT A REFLECTION OF YOU.

Another tough thing about this time of year is my faith being on display.  Taking time off of work for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (if applicable, but not this year, thankfully) is something I am squeamish about.  I don't like to discuss my faith with people I am not really, really close with.  I always then have to answer the inevitable question of "why is your rabbi in California?"

My rabbi is in California and I am in Oregon because when I began this process 18 months ago, I was travelling all over the west coast.  I conducted sessions with my rabbi from hotel rooms in Washington numerous times.  I did a session from a hotel room in east Oregon once, too.  I would not have been able to conform to the schedule a typical conversion program would require of me.  Thus, I have my rabbi in California and we meet on the phone, or we can video chat, or what have you.  It was the ideal set up when I was never home for more than three consecutive days and the dog and I were travelling so often.  I think I have received an amazing conversion program from my rabbi, coupled with counseling and character development that I don't think I'd have received from a typical program.  My experience has been more than meaningful and has never been half-assed.  My rabbi is amazing and appreciates my situation and the situation being a Marine wife put me in during the deployment/mobilization period. 

I have been given instruction to journal over the next two weeks (two weeks from today being Yom Kippur), so I guess this is a good avenue for such.  Today, I feel pensive and analytical.  I don't know that it's much different from how I normally am, but it is at a deeper level.  Righting wrongs and asking for forgiveness is not a simple task, as I am learning.  I don't remember last year being like this, but I am much, much further along in my Jewish education than I was last September.  I am Jewish for all intensive purposes.  The rest is simply formalities.  I have been living a Jewish life for several years now, but because of where I am this year, compared to previous, the Days of Awe are something completely different now.